I imagine that the process of serious long term therapy is something like what we will all go through after we die. Serious therapy is like sitting in front of a mirror, week after week, year after year. If you really are prepared to do the work of therapy you must be willing to take huge risks and allow yourself to be extremely vulnerable. You must allow yourself to expose parts of yourself that you may not want to see or know. You learn to know and admit that you have limitations. You learn to be extremely self aware. You learn to take complete responsibility for who you are, and for what you know, feel, and believe.
After fifteen years of serious work in therapy I don't expect many surprises. I
have sat naked in front of a mirror for fifteen years and have been to
hell and back many times. No one should have to face
the kinds of memories, the terror, the shame, the pain, that I have had to face
and make the kinds of choices that I have been forced to make.
day I am forced to choose again between myself and my integrity, and my
family. Every day that I am true to myself I lose my entire family all
over again. The grief is endless. I never stop sitting shiva. I
never stop wishing that things would be different. I never stop loving
my family and caring about them. I never stop wishing they would share
this very heavy responsibility that they forced on me.
told me this himself. When my family told him that they
couldn't stand to see the pain my father was in he advised them that
they had to choose between me and my father. They chose my father, and
who could blame them? They have eleven siblings. They have only one
father. They all need my father much more than they need me. I
understand and I don't blame them. But the pain of such a huge loss is not lessened through understanding.
Why didn't rabbi Hopfer tell my siblings the truth? Why didn't he tell them that no one can possibly
choose between a sister and a father. Why didn't he tell them that they can't take sides and we have to find a way to
work through this as a family? Why?
Why did he cause all of this pain?
the Nazis the ones who told Jewish mothers they had to choose between
two children and then killed one in front of them?
I was the one not chosen.
Hopfer gave my siblings permission to kill me. They see this as Daas
Torah. When Daas Torah is used as a means to escape responsibility it
is neither Daas nor Torah. Can any of my siblings sit with the
possibility that I might be telling the truth for even a few minutes?
I have done this agonizing work in therapy for fifteen
on behalf of my entire family. I have sat with the possibility of my
being crazy, being wrong, being evil, being mistaken, and finally, the
horrible possibility of being able to trust what I remember. I know that I am closer to the truth than any of them.