I cried through the megillah reading this year.
My daughter who sat next to me hugged and kissed me with
her black-lipsticked mouth, leaving a smear on my cheek.
She was surprised that the megillah
brought me to tears. "You're so emotional, Mom! It's gonna be okay,"
she whispered. She wiped my black -smeared cheek and my tears and
blew me more kisses.
I cried in empathy with Esther, the orphan, who was given a lonely mission that
she neither wanted nor requested. I know what it's like to be separated
from family after being forced into an unwanted sexual relationship.
I suspect that, like me, Esther would have gladly died, rather than
be violated by King Achashverosh and then have to live separately
because of it for the rest of her life - becoming just one of the many girls
the king used for pleasure and discarded. Esther spent the rest of her
life in the king's palace, not really belonging nor wanting to be
there, cut off from her people.
Esther made the best of her situation. In the end, when she
understood why she had been chosen, Esther accepted her
destiny. She rose to the occasion and saw opportunity and
ultimately redemption in her desperate situation.
She chose to use her position for good. Mordechai helped
her see the bigger picture.
Through my tears I remind myself of the many
Mordechai's in my life who believe in me and my mission.
Like Mordechai, they cannot fully enter my inner world,
but like Mordechai they stay close by and remind me
not to get lost in despair. They know I am here in this
strange, lonely place for a reason.
They remind me that I am on an important mission.
Like Esther, I was given this unique set of circumstances for a reason.
Like Esther, I can choose to run away from this mission and God
will find some other way to save my family from this evil.
Like Esther, I will gather courage and find my voice and do
the right thing. I will let my voice be heard. I will banish
self-doubt by turning to God. My faith will carry me through
this mission. I will find the strength to confront people of
power, and I will arrive uninvited and speak my truth.
I will find a way to be heard and expose evil.
I could have gone quietly into the night, lived my life,
healed my own pain, focused on my own family and
ignored the larger mission in the situation I was given.
I am not Esther, but I can see that in my own life, in my individual
story, I too can make a difference.
I am confronting an evil that almost destroyed me and
is threatening to destroy my people.
Sometimes, when I am high on faith, I truly do not know the difference
between cursed be Haman and blessed be Mordechai.
When I am drunk on faith it's all the same. Nothing bad
ever happened, or will happen. I have everything I need,
and I am everything I need. I have clarity.
When I know that everything is from God and I occupy a
place of love, there is truly no difference between good and bad.
