Are The Children Safe?

ARE THE CHILDREN SAFE?

 I got a call this week from a woman, I will call her Miriam, asking for guidance in dealing with an all too common problem.  The children in her building are playing inappropriate games with each other.   Many families in the building have multiple young children who often play together, especially on Shabbos, in stairwells, hallways, and parking lots around the building.  Sound familiar? 

During lock-down, when children have nowhere to go and not much to do, child abuse is on the rise in our homes and communities. Children are playing for longer periods unsupervised, as stressed parents struggle to cope.  As a community we must stay alert, educate ourselves and our children, and keep a close eye on the dynamics between children and adults.  

In this particular case six families are involved.  One child in particular, a nine year old girl "Sarah" seems to be the instigator.  She is touching the younger children (three and four years old), and has told at least one of them that if they tell she will hurt them. Miriam's child told her. She is lucky. 

 Most children, about eighty percent don't tell, even if the topic has been discussed and they have been instructed that it's important to tell their parents.  Sometimes a child has been threatened.  Sometimes the reason is simply that it's just too embarrassing and shameful.  There is also the excitement of illegal play, and often a feeling of collaboration and loyalty among the children. 

 Miriam's instinct was to speak to the other parents in the building, as well as the parents of the instigator.  I encouraged her to try to get all of the families on board to help keep all of the children safe.  I advised Miriam to let Sarah's parents know that all of the parents are concerned about stopping this play and this is a serious problem. I suggested Miriam tell Sarah's parents that everyone in the building cares about all of the children, including Sarah, and everyone wants Sarah to be able to play, so all are helping to keep an eye on their daughter by not allowing her to play unsupervised with the other children. (I'm sure some parents will not let Sarah play with their children at all, which is completely understandable.) I encouraged Miriam to let Sarah know that all are aware that she has been playing this game, and that no one allows it because it is not appropriate and absolutely not okay.  The message to Sarah and all of the children is one of firm, loving, boundaries and heightened supervision.  

I advised Miriam to be prepared for a defensive or blaming attitude by Sarah's parents.  It is very very difficult to be "that" child's parent in this situation.  Most parents have no idea why their child is behaving in this way.   Sarah was probably exposed to something inappropriate and she needs and deserves help from a professional to process her feelings. So many of our children have access to inappropriate material if not at home, then through friends or neighbors, and may be exposed to things we can not begin to imagine.  If you are a parent of a "Sarah" your child needs and deserves support and help to process her feelings in order to stop acting them out with other children.  If your neighbors respond in as loving and caring a manner as Miriam, you are very fortunate.  As hard as it is to cooperate, please work with your neighbors, reach out for support, and know that you are not alone.

Silence, Secrecy, and Lack of accountability, is what allows child sexual abuse to continue to flourish in our community.  It affects all of us!  It takes a village to allow molestation to continue, and it takes a village to stop it! We must break the stigma and protect our children. We must stop pointing fingers and blaming, and work together to keep our children safe.  We are especially vulnerable now, during Corona.  

 Educate yourself and your community, shul or neighbors, by viewing the award winning documentary Unkept Secrets, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhQ2lFYNFQE that can be accessed on Amazon Prime or rented privately as a group.  

Together with Magen, Victim Advocacy Organization , I offer at no charge:

Zoom sessions for parents on prevention.  

Support for parents whose child has been a victim or perpetrator.

Zoom sessions on healing for adult survivors and their loved ones.

Genendy Radoff   www.genendy.safekids@gmail.com  0526516582

Magen Victim Advocacy:  02-3724073

  

  

What to Expect From Good Trauma Therapy

 I am about to begin my second year of training as a counselor and psychotherapist.  I am kicking off my internship with a client who was sexually abused by a family member.  It's interesting and humbling to be on the other side of the office,...the side of the therapist.  I was a therapy client for 25 years and although technically I am just beginning my work as a therapist, I feel like I have over two decades of experience in healing trauma.  My first client tried therapy once many years ago with someone who was "supposed to be excellent" and unfortunately minimized her experience and sent her running, and rightfully so, far away from therapy.  Until now she hasn't tried again. 

 It gets me thinking about my own damaging experiences with therapists who had not done their own inner work, were not adequately trained, nor even aware enough to get themselves the training needed to help me.  These therapists, I believe meant well but added additional layers to my trauma and inability to trust.  As the saying goes, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."  Whoever said that is so right.

What I needed and what people who have experienced complex trauma need, and what they should be able to expect from me as a therapist and from themselves in therapy seems obvious to me, but may not be to others.

For starters and enders (okay, I know that's not a real word but it sounds right here) they have a right and need to a safe space physically, emotionally,  psychologically and spiritually.  

They have a right to be treated with kindness and respect at all times.  

They are the experts on themselves, not me, the therapist.  I provide a space for them to be seen and heard, and to see and hear themselves.  I am a witness to their pain and their inner world and a facilitator of their own inner ability to heal.

I, the therapist, am human and I am bound to make mistakes.  My clients have a right and responsibility to let me know if something I do or say doesn't feel right for them.  If something feels hurtful or unhelpful I want and need to know.  

The client is not, in any way, or at any time, responsible for the therapists feelings, reactions, or behaviors.  Perhaps that sentence should be in bold.  I'll write it again: The client is not in any way, or at any time, responsible for the therapists feelings, reactions, or behaviors.

Boundaries create safety.  Sessions will begin and end on time. Technical details like payment and times of session will be made clear and be agreed upon from the outset.

Contact between sessions (phone, email, WhatsApp) will be allowed with clear boundaries that will be agreed upon from the outset. We will both let each other know as soon as possible if we can't make a session.  

The sessions will be focused squarely on my client and their needs and their healing process.  Not on my own needs or process.  I know this sounds obvious, but I have experienced otherwise so many times.  

Therapy may not always help right away, but it definitely shouldn't hurt and be traumatic!  

Ongoing abuse is a trauma, which is an injury as real as a physical brain injury or broken bones.  It affects every part of our lives.  It lives in each cell of our bodies.  Healing takes time and effort.  You have to want it, and understand that it is a process.  It is not something that gets fixed overnight.  

At times healing from trauma can take over everyday functioning.  Anyone who tells you they experienced trauma and it's not a big deal for them (implying perhaps that nor should it be a big deal for you) is, in my experience, not ready to do the real work of healing.  They are living their lives with limitations that they are perhaps tolerating and accepting, but that definitely effect them and their loved ones.

Each person is different and each healing process will look different.  Trauma therapy happens in stages.  Establishing safety is the first stage and must be revisited at every turn.  Acquiring tools to ground and contain is the second stage.  Trauma work can get very overwhelming and grounding and containment are vital.  So is setting up a support system.  One therapist, once a week, is often not enough for complex trauma work.  Post traumatic stress symptoms can be debilitating.  Family and friends who can be called in a crisis, and a support group, are all part of a good support system.

When the above is in place, the trauma can be taken out and looked at one little piece at a time.  Slowly, gently, carefully and respectfully.  Slower is faster when it comes to trauma work.  The damage can be witnessed, and the feelings felt safely. The memories processed. 

 The mind and the heart can begin to heal.

Watch the film Unkept Secrets online!

Dear frum community, Jewish organizations, and Rabbonim,

I am offering you the opportunity to view an award winning film by Dalit Kimor that I participated in, Unkept Secrets* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhQ2lFYNFQE

  The film will open your eyes to the painful reality of childhood sexual abuse even in our most respected Torah families and the damage it causes to all of us for generations.

Most importantly, Unkept Secrets will give you hope, that we are educating ourselves as a community and we are making important changes! The goal of the film is to help end the secrecy and the lack of accountability that allows this kind of abuse to continue, and to give survivors a voice. 

The film is sensitive to our Torah values of tznius and shows that we as Torah Jews are making important changes and taking responsibility for healing our children and families, who have been hurt through our silence and lack of understanding. 

As Rav Yosef Blau says in the film, when I ask him what the halacha is in making such a difficult and painful film,

"It is a Kiddush Hashem."  

Everyone who views this challenging film is taking personal responsibility for an evil that is happening even as we speak, to so many of our precious children. It is especially relevant now as children are home more due to the Corona virus and child abuse is on the rise. This is not an easy film to see, but a necessary one. 

I live in Eretz Yisrael and I'm a teacher and educator, as well as the author of a memoir about childhood sexual abuse in the frum community, The Price of Truth, which can be purchased from me or at amazon.com.  I am an advocate for survivors, and I run a therapy group for women who have been abused. I am in my second year of studying psychotherapy.

The film can be accessed for free on Amazon Prime in the U.S. or rented from the producer for group viewing for 300 dollars outside of Israel, (500 NIS in Israel) for a maximum of 100 viewers. (Thirty participants at 10 dollars each will cover the cost.) The full version of the film is 70 minutes long.  A shortened version, 58 minutes long, is also available.

A link to the film will be sent out to the recipients of your choice for a 12 hour period. An optional Zoom discussion with me on the healing process will be scheduled for later that day or for the following day, (time zone depending) at no additional charge. 

I'm writing to you from my heart as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse in the frum community. It is time to usher in Mashiach and put an end to the evil of child sexual abuse among us! 

To participate in this important project please send an email to me at genendy.safekids@gmail.com

Sincerely,

Genendy Radoff 

* Unkept Secrets won first prize at PriMed doc film festival Marseille 2019, and won a prize at the Chaifa film festival that same year.

The Twelve Gifts of a Bat Mitzvah

Today is my daughter's Bat Mitzvah, her twelfth birthday on the Hebrew calendar.

We celebrated last week, a bit early, because we were worried about possible shut downs due to the virus. We made a small party outdoors, with masks and social distancing. At the celebration I gave her twelve gifts. As she unwrapped each one I told her what each gift represented.

To my favorite girl in the whole world!

I have twelve small gifts for you in honor of your becoming a Bas Mitzvah. I actually can't really give these gifts to you. They are already inside you, soul powers that you, and each one of us, is born with and must reveal.

There is and ever will be only one of you. You are here on a unique mission in this world. No one else can do what you can do here. You will need to unwrap these twelve gifts over and over again throughout your life, in order to fulfill your mission and live properly as a Jewish woman, a beloved daughter of Hashem.

STRENGTH. The first gift are weights, and they represent the inner strength that you will use to live a life of Torah and truth. It takes inner strength to face a world of materialism and instant gratification and strive for something deeper, something eternal. The Torah is eternal.

INTEGRITY. The second gift is a mirror and it represents integrity. Integrity is the ability to look in the mirror and like what you see knowing that you are true to your values, no matter what anyone else may say or think about you.

LOVE. The third gift is caramel chocolate and it represents love. (Who doesn't love chocolate?) Real love, 'Ahava' comes from the word 'hav' which means to give. Real love is giving and it expands our hearts more than that of the recipient.

CONNECTION. The fourth gift is glue and it represents connection. Glue connects things that otherwise would stay apart. Your connection with your soul and with Hashem are vital to your life's mission. The key to connection is authentic communication.

WISDOM: The fifth gift is a model of the solar system and it represents wisdom. Hashem's world is vast, magnificent and stunning. Realizing how much we don't know is the key to wisdom. We are only aware of a tiny fraction of a tiny fraction of reality. When we 'zoom out' we see a bigger, truer picture. True wisdom leads to humility. Humility is knowing that no one is better or worse than you. We are all learning and growing.

CLARITY. The sixth gift is a stress ball with water inside. Water is the essence of life. Water was around before the creation of our world. When we go inside to our essence we find clarity. Water connects us to our pure creative essence. We women have a special connection to water through our relationship to the mitzvah of mikvah.

COMPASSION AND FORGIVENESS. The seventh gift is a first aid kit which represents compassion and forgiveness. We all have pain. May you approach painful events in your life, (both yours and others) with compassion and a desire to help heal. The more you can find compassion for your own limitations, the more compassion you will have for others. May you more often be on the giving end of compassion and forgiveness. Needing it is so much harder.

FAITH. The eight gift is this book of mazes, and it represents faith, Emunah. When you hit a wall, don't give up! Turn around and keep moving. Believe that there is a way out of the maze. Hashem will show you the way if you allow Him to guide you.

COURAGE. The ninth gift is this awful jar of sauerkraut, and it represents courage. The achievements we most value in life involve a courageous process. It takes tremendous courage to stick with a process that is often smelly and uncomfortable in order to reach your goals. Embrace the process!

GRATITUDE and HOPE. The tenth gift, a siddur (prayer book) represents gratitude and hope. Say thank you to your creator, and to the people around you every day. Ask for what you most want, and open yourself up to receive, while being grateful for what you already have. This siddur contains the book of Tehillim. (Psalms) Dovid Hamelech (King David) wrote down every emotion that you can imagine in the book of tehillim. When you don't have words, pick it up and read it. You will find hope.

JOY. The eleventh gift is a beach ball and it represents joy! Find joy in the simple things. Find joy in nature, in a day at the beach. Joy is seeing the blessings and miracles in each moment of life!

BEAUTY and PASSION. The twelfth gift, these beautiful soaps represent beauty. The fire stickers represent passion. Follow your passions and you will find your inner beauty!

You are beautiful! Mazal Tov on your Bat Mitzvah. 

I love you!! 

Birthday Blog: The Gift of Mindfulness in A Corona World

Birthday Blog: The Gift of Mindfulness in a Corona World

Something extraordinarily significant happened in my life, today, forty seven years ago.  Although I don't remember the actual event, I was told that it happened, and like other things I know happened but have no memory of, I can find proof enough to believe it.

I guess being born is pretty much up there in meaningful moments.

I wasn't sure how exactly I was going to celebrate, or even if I was going to be able to celebrate my birthday this year, in a world-in-quarantine, a world of people suffering and dying.  I thought about fasting for my birthday this year.

 This morning, I went out for my regular morning jog, to walk the dogs, pray and meditate.  This daily outing which began almost seven years ago, changed my life significantly. This week I am particularly grateful that I have dogs and that I can still go outside to walk them...We can't take anything for granted right now.

What happened on today's walk was actually very birth-like. Writing is an activity I haven't done in some time.  I guess my birthday, and being off of work is a good time to end a bout of writers block.

I walked up the hill, the same hill that I climb almost every morning, to be alone and go inside myself, my own self imposed bidud, quarantine, or hitbodidut, meditation. (In Hebrew it is nearly the same word,...A hint perhaps, of what we should do in quarantine.)

  I always begin my morning meditation by expressing gratitude for three specific things: the simple blessings and miracles of yesterday, today, and this moment.  I also express my honest feelings and questions, my deepest desires.  I sometimes cry out against the pain and the losses of life, for the suffering of others, and for myself,  particularly, when I cannot see and I feel blocked and inadequate and numb.

Each morning, I visualize and create in my minds eye the kind of day I want to have, the kind of life I want to have, the kind of person I want to be today. I ask for strength and blessing for my husband and children, and for a list of friends who are struggling.  This life, it seems, is about struggle.

  If there is one thing I have learned in my life it is the power of my mind. My mind is how I survived a traumatic childhood, and my mind is how I have healed from it and moved beyond.  When I let go, and drop inside, deeper still, I enter into a different space.  Some days I am blessed to go deep enough that I exit the door of consciousness into a place outside myself, outside of consciousness.  If I am lucky enough to get there I connect to myself and to the reality of the Oneness of life around me in a way that changes me and changes my beliefs about life, about God and meaning.  It is a place of absolute pleasure and connection.  It is an experience, that I wish on everyone at least once in this lifetime...not something that can be put into words easily.  I believe it is the essence of Judaism and belief.

I'm getting back to today though, because besides for it being my birthday, today something was just a bit different.

I didn't notice anything unusual at first, then, as I ascended the hill It looked different.  It was the same hill as yesterday, and last year, and the year before, but today it was as if I had never been there before.  It was as if I had never been in this world before, and somehow I landed on a new planet in a particular moment and place in time.  Memories of past and future became fuzzy and insignificant.  I breathed in and I noticed how easy it was to breathe..so I took another breath, this one slower and deeper.  One, two, three, four, five.  A full five second breathe...And then I let it out.  Five, four, three, two, one...
I noticed again, how easy it was to breathe...I had a vague sense that this was significant, that it wasn't a given, breathing easily. I felt so deeply grateful in that moment for that sweet breath that I did it again...One, two, three, four five...

Slow and aware, was the next breath, and the next one too, and it brought a whiff of something sweet growing on the hill, and the smell filled my nostrils with pleasure.  I backed up to try to get another whiff but I couldn't find the heavenly smell again.  I could, however, feel the warmth of the sun shining down on my head, so rare during these rainy winter Israeli days. The sunlight entered my mind and filled it with light and warmth.

 A white wisp of cloud broke the glorious light into warm rays, a crown of light around the white wisps.  Watching the crown of light I had a tug of memory...a crown...Corona, but like an amnesic visitor from another planet, the thought came and went and I was conscious only of right here, right now, this moment.
This breath.
I focused my curiosity on the newness of this place and this moment that I found myself in.  I noticed that I had a physical body, fingers that were grasping colored rope and at the end of each walked with me a magnificent and beautiful creature...one large white and fluffy, the other small, wiry and tan.  I noticed that I, unlike the creatures accompanying me, walked on two feet.  Each step was cushioned my something soft and I looked down and noticed my shoes, without naming them, because words and names of things didn't matter or exist in the moment, but only the feeling of gratitude in the soft cushion of each step on the rocky uneven hill.

  I looked, really looked, and actually saw where I was and what was around me with brand newborn eyes. I wondered how I became so lucky to land in such a wonderful place and time...I had a momentary vague sense of other times, other places that were dark, frightening and unpleasant, but the sense of darkness was very quickly lost in the present light and in the different textures and tones of green growth of all kinds, waving gently at me, in the clear air.  My eyes feasted on a symphony of green dotted with splendid color.  Red, purple, yellow, white and pink flowers, peaking out from between all the green and the jagged gray of the rocks and puddles of sparkling liquid.

  Love filled my heart for Whomever, Whatever, put me here in this place in this moment. For the Creator of this place, of me, of life itself.  I didn't want to ever have to leave.  I was part of the life and beauty here, connected to it in every way.  I wanted to stay forever.  To stay connected, to stay aware, to stay present, and just breathe.

It occurred to me then, that I was having an experience of deep mindfulness, and that this state of consciousness, was perhaps a gift from God on my birthday.  If I could just bring this mindfulness with me into my life, I could be calm and serene and even grateful and possibly even joyful in each moment in spite of the darkness and suffering.  In spite of Corona.

I imagined walking into my home and noticing with my newborn eyes, the blessings of having a home, a roof, a refrigerator with food inside to eat.  The blessings of a family. Alive and well.

And so, then I came home.
And I wrote this down.
 It is my gift to you on my birthday, to remind you, me, and all of us, to slow down, to breathe, to connect, to let go of past and the future worries and to focus on the blessings of this present moment.