To Whom it May Concern,
I was saddened to read
the letter that was sent to the community regarding the accusations
against various individuals.
While the writer of this
letter may say that the allegations are false, he has no way of being
certain that this is so. It is very common for community members to
not want to believe that a well know and trusted member,
or leader of a community has broken the law and has deeply harmed
others. Furthermore, it is not unusual for family members to take the
side of the abuser against the victim, especially when the abuser is
well known and respected community leader. The reasons for this are
that the family fears being shamed, and they fear the effect this
will have on their own families in the community. Many family
members choose to stay silent and many take precautions to protect
their own children.
As a therapist who has been
working in the field of childhood sexual abuse for the last 25 years,
I have come across many families like the one you are referring to in
your letter. It is a rare thing for someone to stand up and make
these accusations without there having been a basis, especially when
the personal price is so high.
I am also an acquaintance of
the woman that you claim is telling lies. However, my impression of
her differs greatly from that of the writer of the letter. This
person has rebuilt her life. She has built a wonderful family, and a
successful career and she is an active and respected member of her
community. She has shown great courage, risking her own privacy and
reputation to do what she feels is right in order to protect
others, like she herself was not protected. .
The bottom line is that one
has no way of knowing what really happened. However by taking a stand
against a complainant, you are doing a most harmful thing. This woman
has learned to accept the lack of support from the community, though
I would imagine that it doesn’t stop hurting. However, a message is
being sent to the many others who have been abused, and who after
seeing letters like this one, will not want to step forward for fear
of being treated in the same way.
No matter what your opinion
is, I would advise all community members to think for themselves and
to be careful about making public statements about issues where they
cannot possibly have all of the facts.
I pray that as individuals
in your community, you will have the courage to form your own
opinions, and I urge you to be careful about making public statements
regarding issues that you cannot possibly have all of the facts that
would allow for you to be fair judges. I do believe that at this
time, whether you believe that the accused is guilty or innocent,
all members of this family could use the community's support in
getting through such a difficult time.
Helise Pollack, MSW (Masters of Social Work
(clinical)).
I have also been a Pkidat Saad Lechok Hanoar, which
is a child welfare officer.
I have graduated a course in which I was trained to
treat children who sexually abuse, and I have 25 years experience working in the
field of childhood sexual abuse.
Dr. Pollack,
ReplyDeleteI grew up with some of the family. They are all leading very healthy lives. Genendy has written that another one of her siblings was molested in front of her. Her sibling calls this an outright lie. Genedy claims to have been Raped by many. Having grown up with her I remember her being a strong powerful personality. she never had the timidness of one who would be a victim of multiple abusers. As a friend, Genendy confided in me many years ago about this. At that time she told me that she did not really know what happened. since then after many changed details, she has prefected her story. You have to understand that there were a nice number of Rabbis that were in genendy's corner that are no longer helping her. She is not at all beleivable to those who knew her growing up. Her method of blasting this to the community is vewied by most as one of desperatin. Not trying to help anyone.
I hear this line of thinking from time to time.
DeleteI don't want to get sidetracked and talk about Genendy's family's mental health. It's not the main issue. Sufficed to say, however, how normal or healthy they seem to be to certain people who are friends with them is of very little statistical or empirical value.
Every time the police catch a mass murder or serial predator of some kind, the first thing out of everybody's mouths, the neighbors, relatives, co-workers, etc..is "I can't believe it. They seemed so NORMAL!". It's a cliche already. The news outlets have boilerplate for it, it happens so often.
So people like this feel they have to marginalize Genendy to deal with the conflict in their minds. They call her desperate, unstable, inconsistent. I think if a person reads the blog a little bit, they'll pretty quickly clear those ideas out of their minds.
I guess you are not allowing comments that show who you really are. Hashem should be the judge of you and what you are doing. May the world be shown what a liar and evil person you are, just as was by Korach!
ReplyDeleteTo my sibling who posted this. I'm sorry for your pain. Tatty is responsible for this, and will be held responsible, not me. Hashem should give you the strength to deal with your own pain and fears in a way that is healing for you too.
ReplyDeleteGenendy
I am not your sibling. You know who I am. You are a great manipulater!!!!
DeleteWho are you?
DeleteDoesn't the State have laws requiring clergy to report allegations of molestation to the police? LiHavdel, how is this different then the Catholic Church covering up?
ReplyDeleteGenendy,
ReplyDeleteIt pains me to see these nasty remarks going back and forth.
Understand - people have this desire to cling to anything that will keep them anchored in their delusion that the micro-world they live in is a safe, wonderful place where no harm can come to them or their children. Even when this means clinging to false.
Chazal already warned us 'ein apotropus le'arayot'. The greatest rabbonim of all were not afraid to break this delusion of safety. They said it outright- No one, not one individual, is 100% immune from harming or being a victim in this catagory.
It is too bad that the rabbi's in your childhood community choose to believe that divrei chazal do not apply to them. That they are somehow above them.
None of us can imagine the experiences, the confusion, later on the anger and finaly the pain you had to endure during your life time. What we can do is express our admiration for you as a friend, a teacher who has educated our children with such love and compassion, as an individual who is willing to wake the devils from the deep in order to encourage us to do all we can to protect our children.
Please keep in mind, that for every nasty comment posted by these anonymous people who, unlike you who has exposed soul, will not even share their names - you have many friends and community members that appreciate your efforts and are here for you!!
Please continue to be the voice for all of us!
Rivka Morris
RBS
Must be because when you study the words of the gemora really hard, they no longer apply to you any more - just every one else. You know how it goes "do as I say, not as I do". What an amazing madreyga to reach!
DeleteDr. Pollack, I grew up with some of the family. They are all leading very healthy lives.
ReplyDeleteDefine healthy.
Genendy has written that another one of her siblings was molested in front of her. Her sibling calls this an outright lie.
It's not a lie. And I believe my sibling when she says she doesn't remember it right now. "The ordinary response to atrocities is to banish them from consciousness. -- Judith Herman, M.D.Trauma and Recovery"
Genedy claims to have been Raped by many.
I was orally raped by my father. I was molested by my grandfather. Some would call it rape. I was raped by other bochurim in the yeshiva.
Having grown up with her I remember her being a strong powerful personality.
I was always very determined not to be a victim. I am not so powerful, Hashem has always helped me. I'm just doing what I need to do to heal and to protect other children from going through what I did.
she never had the timidness of one who would be a victim of multiple abusers.
This was my best defense, and I think maybe that's why it stopped when I was seven.
As a friend, Genendy confided in me many years ago about this. At that time she told me that she did not really know what happened.
How could I know what happened? I knew what I remembered and my family was telling me I was crazy. It would be easier to really be crazy than to have to deal with this reality.
since then after many changed details, she has prefected her story.
Since then, after many years of therapy and introspectionI have learned to trust myself.
You have to understand that there were a nice number of Rabbis that were in genend's corner that are no longer helping her.
Really? Who? I never met them.
She is not at all beleivable to those who knew her growing up.
I had over 800 hits on the blog yesterday. Let's hear from more of you who knew me and my family growing up.
Her method of blasting this to the community is vewied by most as one of desperatin. Not trying to help anyone.
I am not desperate. I am sad. For me and for my family. Please daven for us that we all find healing.
Thank you, Ms. Pollack, for clarifying some of the issues connected with this very complex matter. And yet, there are aspects of it that don't need to be so complex and can be easily clarified; such as: Can we hear Genendy's family's side of the story regarding why she was alienated? Can we hear an explanation from the rabbis who are defending her parents as to why her family was advised to cut her off? Can we hear some response from her parents that would explain why they don't care to meet Genendy's children - their grandchildren? As a mother of a large family and a gradmother many times over, I fail to understand why any parent would not want to help his/her child work through issues that the child declares are causing her such tremendous pain. If the parent feels that the child is fabricating a story or approaching the issue in inappropriate ways, the accepted practice is to discuss the matter with the child in the pressence of a qualified third party, such as a rav who has experience in that type of issue, or a therapist, or some other liason trained to deal with such matters.
ReplyDeleteIf the alleged perpetrator is innocent, let him speak up and take steps to prove his innocence. If he is guilty, then at least one of his victims - Genendy - is more than willing to engage in dialogue leading toward healing and forgiveness for both of them. I can think of nothing more self-incriminating, however, than ignoring the accusations. As long as the accused is not willing to speak for himself, he's not going to be able to convince people that his claim that "nothing happened" has merit.
Sara Chava Mizrahi
Yerushalayim
If the alleged perpetrator chooses not to address these allegations and his daughter immediately, in a manner that creates trust and faith, the free market economy will speak. Hundreds of students will not be re-enrolled in Torah Institute for next school year. Our parent body is already up in arms.
ReplyDeleteHis silence, with no attempt to clear his name, is viewed as guilt by every intelligent and loving parent reading this blog in it's entirety.
Are you really a TI parent? Last I heard 50% of the families don't have internet or a clue that this blog exists. 50% of the other half are too frum to speak or hear lashon hara and the last 25% want to pretend to be that frum-so they would never admit to reading this blog or anything else on the internet.
DeleteMeaning our parents are ignorant without the Internet? Don't know the Hallachos of Lashon Hara? Don't care about their children?
DeleteI remember a few years back hearing R' E tell someone in horror how someone had suggested that they put the sign up to the PTA online. Chas V'Sholom. Which made me quite puzzled why there were so many Amazon.com boxes in the office area... It's a special medrayga to reach "do as I say not as I do".
DeleteFor many of them, the answers are yes, yes, yes.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteIn answer to you letter to me via the blog, I can understand that as someone who has grown up with the family, you may think that you have a good understanding of what the real story is.
However, unless one lives with that family, they have no way of knowing. Families are great at keeping secrets from outsiders, and sometimes even from each other. There are many cases of sexual abuse where even therapists believe that the mother always knows, but research has proven that that just isn't so. When the abuse is happening in the home, family members often do not know that it is happening. Therefore, it is even more difficult to know when abuse is taking place in someone else's home. There are rarely clear signs.
While I am glad that it appears that that these particular family members that you mentioned are doing well, again, you have no way of knowing how people are really doing. And of course there are many who have been traumatized, and who are able to put their lives together, and do very well.
Regarding why the blog writer's story changed: Children who are coping with trauma use any method to survive, just as adults do. That can include changing the story and even lying. Though, usually the lie is that it didn't happen when it did. I ask you, why on earth would someone tell a story that would have her cut off from her family, and be ridiculed by her community? How could she have benefited from these accusations. At minimum, something is not right in this family that looks so functional on the outside. However, the chances are quite strong that she is telling the truth. This same woman, in a more supportive environment is thriving and helping a lot of other people in need.
And finally, her chosen method of speaking the truth took her many many years of hard work to finally arrive at the conclusion that her silence was not helping anyone. She rightfully believes that if she can be brave and stand up and tell the truth, others will follow, knowing that they do not have to go through this alone. Here in Israel, religious and charedi communities are getting more and more educated in this area, and it is changing the way sexual abuse is being addressed and handled. It is a very difficult issue to deal with, but the alternative is that the cycle of abuse will continue to hurt more and more innocent children.
All the best,
Sincerely,
Helise Pollack