How Do I Learn to Love and Accept Myself, When Incest Taught Me To Hate Myself?

Part 4 of, "10 Things I Needed To Learn In Order To Heal."

 I had to develop a healthy inner parent to counteract all the unhealthy, destructive, messages I received as a child, (I am still receiving them.)  Messages that I am shameful, defective, and I would be better off dead.

I had to become the loving, nurturing parent I never had.  This was no easy feat, as my role models were severely limited.   

By developing, and listening to an inner nurturing adult voice, I am able to reject my parents' and family's negative views of me as false, and accepted the Torah and God's view of me as truth.  I know that my family blames me and some of them hate me.  I know that God loves and accepts me fully and unconditionally.  

Eating disorders, skewed body image, self-hatred, rage, and confusion around sexuality, are common symptoms that incest and child sexual abuse survivors have to deal with. 

 The following piece (written a number of years ago)  illustrates how I used my mature adult "parent" voice to help heal the young parts of me that were so hurt.  

  The intense feelings that I express are a normal response to the abnormal trauma and pain I experienced.

Wounded Monster

Wounded Monster howls at the rain and wind. His tears are faster than the rain. His anger is stronger than the strongest wind.

Wounded Monster sits naked on the toilet, fat spilling over the sides, fur matted and tangled with blood and dirt and tears.
He looks down at his throbbing wounded heart where a gaping hole is red, bloody and raw.
It is just too empty and too painful.

Wounded monster stumbles on flat wide hairy feet into the kitchen and grabs food to stuff into the hole.

 Maybe it will feel better.
He just feels fatter and uglier and more monstrous. 

He howls in pain and loneliness and rage. He howls at the moon and the sky, the wind and rain. He howls at the empty black hole in his center, and at the empty black sky.

 He swings his huge fat hairy arms in desperate angry circles knocking down people, even children, who dare to come too close. He howls in terror at the people and the children, and pulls the fur out of his skin one hair at time. He bites his hands. He shrieks. He screams piercing screams. He rocks on all fours, and rattles the bars of his home-like cage.



An adult woman, short but capable, approaches Wounded Monster.

She stares into his red eyes. Her brown eyes are calm and steady, soothing and firm.

 She is not scared of him. 
He growls, spits blood, and throws dirt in her direction. He knows he stinks and that should keep her away. He swings his hairy arms at her and kicks his hairy ugly feet at her face. 

“You are not so scary.”  She says.

He bares his sharp stained teeth and growls a low threatening growl. Why won't she leave me like the others?
 She seems to read his mind.

“You are living in my house so I am responsible for you.”  She says.

She reaches out a hand and he snaps at it.

“I can help you feel better.”

He does want to feel better.

“Come with me.”

Keeping a careful distance he follows. In spite of himself, he is curious. She leads him to the bathroom and runs the water in the tub. She holds up a bottle.

“This is a special remedy to cure wounded monsters.”

She adds it to the water. The water turns purple. Wounded Monster cocks his head and drools. He hates baths. He won't get in.

But he does want to feel better.

Again she seems to read his mind.

“You will feel better."  She tells him.  "I am here to help you. I am a certified wounded monster Healer.” 

He dips a black hairy toe into the purple water. He feels a bit calmer already. He climbs in and sits. He growls at his ugly body. 
Fat, hairy, dirty, smelly, stinky, shameful. 
Wounded.

“Your OK just the way you are,” the certified monster healer assures him.

He spits at her. He hates people. 
She smiles back. 
His fur is starting to soften in the water, to melt and disintegrate and fall off along with the blood and grime. Underneath is smooth skin of a little girl. She looks about ten. She tries to hide her body.  She bites her hand.

“Your OK just the way you are";  The woman repeats, as she

 pulls the plug and wraps a towel around the girl.

“You are not a monster. You're a little girl who is sad and hurt.”

The girl is crying. “I'm all alone.”

“I know. Me too, but I'm here with you. We're together.”

“I hate my body” the girl says, “It's gross.”

The woman nods knowingly, “I'm also uncomfortable with my body, but guess what? We are both female and this is the way female bodies are. Every female has a body like this.”

“I HATE it!”

“I know.” The woman soothes.

“I hate being female.”

“I know.”

“...And this black hole in me...I'm so sad. I lost my entire family.”

“Yes you did.”

“I lost my mother and my father. I lost my sisters.  I loved them. I lost all of my brothers. I loved them too.   But worst of all, I lost myself.  I'm not even sure who I am or who I ever was. 

My father abused and molested me and then stopped. I missed it. I hated being invisible. I hated being molested. I couldn't exist either way. “

“I understand...You are a part of me.  Sometimes I feel your feelings.”

The girl continues as if she hasn't heard. “I loved all of them. I lost them. I'm so sad. I can't stop crying.”

“I'm crying too”; The woman says. "It is a huge gaping hole inside of me too. Nothing can fill it. Nothing can fix it. It's where they used to be...My family and myself.”

“So, who are we then?” The girl asks.

“We are what's left. The pieces that are left. You are a part of me that got stuck at a young age.  You waited in this trauma for me to grow up, and come back to help you heal.  

You wear a monster costume, but you are not a monster.  You are a hurt little girl holding a lot of shame that is not yours.  

You did nothing wrong.

You were violated and betrayed...You can give the shame back to the ones who wounded you, and told you it was your fault. 
I am an adult now. 
 I will keep you safe. 
I will help you and all of the hurt parts of me heal."