Thoughts on Suicide

Anyone who has not survived childhood sexual abuse cannot imagine what goes on for survivors on a daily basis.  It's like living in the eye of the storm every day.  I do not know any survivor who has not had suicidal thoughts at some point.  I pray that Hashem continue to give us strength to live well in spite of the pain.

I dreamed that I killed myself.
I committed suicide.

In my dream I leave this world of pain behind, and I am free  of my body and of all confusion and suffering.  My soul is with God. I am held in a safe eternal embrace of love and truth.
As far as the world is concerned, I am dead.

 In reality my soul has been restored to eternal life.

 My physical mind and senses are no longer blocking me from awareness of truth, from knowledge, from joy and unending love.
I am home.
And I never want to leave.

But there is a problem.
God wants to speak with me.
God has a mission for me down on earth.
He says I am the only one for this task.
Three children have lost their mother.  They are alone, in pain, devastated, broken.  Their father is suffering, lost in a world of depression.
My mission will be to marry this man as a second wife, and to be a mother to his three children.  To love them and raise them as my own.  To bring this family comfort, security and joy.

I ask what my life would be like if I accept this mission.  What would my resources be?
I am assured, that would have everything I need to succeed.
My husband would love me.
My children would love me.
I would have a network of the most amazing supportive friends.  I would live in Israel.  I would live in a beautiful apartment.  I would not have to worry about food to put on the table.  I would be a talented teacher.
My mission to help the grieving children, and family heal, this would be my challange.

I have one more question.
I want to know what happened to the children's mother.
The answer comes to me, and I am horrified.
 She took her own life.
How could she do that to her children?!

God does not want me to judge her harshly.
 She was a victim of severe childhood sexual and emotional abuse.  She worked hard for years to overcome her challanges. She gave her children a good start, and a lot of love.  But she succumbed to the pain and chose to end her life early.  It was the wrong choice because she did not complete her mission. And she left behind  a lot of pain that now needs healing.

I decide to accept the mission.
Now.
Today.
Without dying and coming back.
I will do my very best to be the loving mother to my children, and loving wife to my husband that they need and deserve.
My children are OK because I am here and I am not leaving. My beautiful, precious, children love me...and need me.  My children do not deserve the unending pain that I was given by my parents, passed down to them.

Instead, they have a mother who is doing something very different than my parents did.
I am putting my children ahead of my desire to escape pain.
I am modeling how to take responsibility for my choices.