Friday, January 22, 2016

My Father Is Still Working With Children Every Day

Tonight, I will take the pain in my body, in my heart and mind, and stab it into this paper
 with words.
Words that I hope you will share publicly.

I am a survivor of father-daughter incest.

I have healed to the point where I am no longer a fragmented self.  I finally feel real on a regular basis.
 For me, this is a new reality.  And It took me over twenty years to get here.
It is like regaining my sight and hearing, after years of living in silent darkness.

This has been my theraputic goal for years, and I have finally arrived at this place.
And It is something to celebrate.

It's a great accomplishment, after so many years of living in a fragmented fog, wondering whether a person, a child named Genendy ever really existed.

I thought integration would be a beautiful and happy occasion.

  But it is not so simple.
It's overrated in some ways, integration.

 Being real and present in my life, in my body hurts so bad I want to die.
It's sensory overload.
 How do people who don't dissociate deal with the pain?
 How do they deal with knowing, feeling,all of the parts of who they are, and how they were hurt as children, with no defense?  No escape?

How do you get away, take a break from the trauma, when you are no longer fragmented and dissociated and can no longer pretend it didn't happen?

Please tell me, if you have been here, help me understand how you re-adjust your life, and go on?

I need to know.

I want to stab myself, to kill the pain, the reality but I won't.
I can't.
 I have too much to live for.

Instead I am taking my pencil and stabbing this paper with its sharp point,
..Like the sharp point of the needle I used to stab my hand with, when I was two-years-old.
 I was self harming at two.
I was trying to fix myself.
My mother fixed holes with a needle and thread,
so why couldn't I fix the holes in me that shouldn't be there?
The holes that my Tatty stabbed into me.
With something sharp.

 My mother told me the story many times.
I tried to yank the needle out, it broke and I had to be taken to the hospital to have the other half of the needle removed.
 I got stitches in my hand.
I was so cute.
I commented that the nurse's hat was too small.
The doctor told me to shut my mouth and stop crying, so I cried with my mouth shut.


 What kind of a family do I come from, where it was normal for a two-year-old to try to sew herself?
I have worked with young children for years.
I have never yet, met another child who tried to sew herself.

I was creative then.
And I am creative now.

I will use my creativity to survive this theraputic victory, this being real and whole.

 I no longer have hope that I will wake up from this nightmare of having a father who raped me repeatedly when I was so small, who allowed others to abuse me as well,
and who allows an entire family and community to turn their backs and walk away...

 Because they too wish I was not, and never had been real.
Because real, I now know first hand, is just too painful.

I can't get away from their cruel, painful messages...
Words I grew up with.
 Words sent to me as annonymous comments on my blog four years ago, when I first started it to try to protect children from my father.
 I couldn't post them then, because they were too hurtful.
 I was too traumatized.

"...Your story is always changing.  Your story never stays the same.  You are sick and evil.  You are a liar.  You do have a personality disorder.  You told me so.  I think you need to tell people about yourself so they can decide if you are believable.  Us old time friends of yours who you turned your back on because we know the truth have a job to expose you.  We will figure out a way.  Not because we are vicious, rather to even the playing field.  Your family won't stoop to answering you.  We will."

And this. Another gem:

"Oh Genendy you have had such a tough life.  The saddest thing is, you did it to yourself.  I told you not to when you spoke to me about it.  People got into your head, and made you feel good.  It is so sad that you chose this path.  You told me you were making things up because "it is the only answer to whats happening to me."  I am sure by now you believe yourself, but it may help to remind yourself that you were convinced by others, about what "had to have happened"  I hope I have jogged your memory.  I daven for you always.  I also think it's important to publisize that your family misses you very much.  You did not give them a choice.  You treated them like animals, and tried to manipulate them to help your agenda.  May Hashem grant you a Refuah Shleaima.

I wonder at the reality of the world I live in.  How did I become such a threat simply for speaking my truth?
I am known as a kind, loving, truthful, compasionate person to those who know me.  Yet, my existance is so scary to my family and the Baltimore community that they want me dead.  They take the very damage caused by sexual abuse, that I have worked so hard for so many years in therapy to heal and repair,and use it to try to hurt and discredit me.

Incest casues damage.
 Mental, psychological disorders, addictions, suicide.
It breaks up families as it did mine.

 Today, I no longer have a dissociative disorder, to help me survive.
 I can no longer numb my mind, my body, and my heart from my family and my reality.
 I can no longer float away in my mind, and imagine I am dreaming and will soon awake and find it is all just a horrible nightmare.  That someone in my family actually cares about what was done to me and what is still being done to me.
I always was, and I still am dead to them.
To them my pain was, and is, never real.

It is a wonder, a miracle that I survived and continue to survive.

Something else is real and won't let me rest.

My father, is still working with children every day as the principal of Torah Institute in Baltimore.  A staff member told me, as recently as last year, that my father was taking children off campus alone in his car. This same staff member shared with me that he witnessed a child taped to a chair in my father's office.
And these are the behaviors my father is not hiding.
This staff member will not come forward for fear of losing his job.

And, I don't want him to lose his job, because he cares, and he would never do what my father did, and he is keeping an eye on the children in Torah Institute.

Hashem please bring Mashiach TODAY and put an end to the world of suffering, pain, and confusion that we live in.
A world where we perpetrate evil on our children and call it love and truth.
 A world where we kill someone off because they were sexually abused.  And, we do it in Your Holy name and in the name of Torah.

Reveal your eternal Love and Truth openly and save us from our greatest enemy.

Our inability to take an honest look at ourselves.


  1. How comes you never mention your father by name? You added a photo of him. I'm asking bc I'd like to make sure my child never ends up in that school (we were considering a move to Baltimore), and that every parent will have the choice to stay away from that school or apply to that school.

  2. How come you do not mention your fathers name? You posted a photo of him. I ask because I'd like to make sure my child never ends up in his school and that other parents are given this choice.

  3. It's still hard for me to say my father's name. While I want to protect children from him, I still love my father and feel a loyalty to him. I wish he would get the help he needs. I am in a difficult situation...loving a father who hurt me so badly, and who I believe is a danger to others. I think I made it clear, the name of the school is Torah Institute. I also think I have mentioned my father's name in previous posts. If you need me to spell it out let me know.

    1. Someone changed my name to ben guy...Trying to change it back.

  4. I just watched a video on the school. It's just really weird how the teachers and rabbai'im are raving on about how amazing the school is and meantime the principle was abusing his daugher. Do you think he is or did abuse other kids?

  5. Yes, I do. About fifteen years ago a former student at Torah Institute, with the help of his thearpist, reported my father for child sexual abuse. My father was investigated at the time. I spoke with the detective who told me that he believed my father was guilty but that he (the detective) was being stonewalled by the community. No one in the community would cooperate with the investigation.
    In the end the charges were dropped for lack of sufficient evidence, which is quite common in child sexual abuse cases. It is very hard to get enough evidence to prosocute.

  6. Illana, the reason for the rave reviews and the Rabbi still being principal is because, Genendy is a liar and that is a proven fact. We are not in a world that covers for abusers any more. This is 2016. Genendy has sent direct mailings to us parents of the school. She has gotten publications to run her story. She has interviewed for the Jpost blog. In All of the above she has shared her fathers name. She is a manipulating liar and that has been her way. Lets see if this comment gets published at all. Judging from the post, it may take 4 years until she is in a place to publish a post that calls her out. BTW, Genendy, you did not answer the quoted posts. I agree with both of them.

    1. Wow. My post is about how hurtful these comments are and this guy Binyomin steps up to the plate...
      It's 2016 and you Binyomin, parent in Torah Institute, (What is your last name? I assume you have nothing to hide...) for reasons known only to yourself, are still protecting a child molester. I am speaking the truth and I will continue to speak the truth.
      I have published my father's name in the past because he poses a current danger to children. I struggle each time I say his name in connection with his molesting me, yet I will continue to share his name when necessary, even though it is so painful to me and my family.
      Your personal attack on my integrity is hurtful, is revictimizing, and says alot more about you than me.
      Anyone who is genuinely interested in the truth is welcome to contact me, my boss (I am at least as credible as my father) or my therapist of eleven years personally.
      e-mail me privately for the phone number:

    2. I just found this blog, I am just wondering where the unrealistic expectation that the "leaders(little puppy dogs who run after certain rabbis hoping for attention) will somehow act out of their self interest and do something? Nothing has happened for 40 years in Baltimore so why now?

  7. You truth seekers are also very welcome to contact my rav, Rabbi Yosef Blau about this.

  8. Rave reviews are because that's their job. It's a tough job market out there and plenty of people give up their integrity for the sake of a buck.

  9. "Binyomin" my dear brother. I will not be posting any more of your vicious and abusive comments on my blog. I will not call you vicious and abusive. Only your comments. God knows they probably come from a place of deep pain and fear of my truth.
    To continue this discussion you will have to speak to me in person. And I promise that I won't attack and try to hurt you as you are doing to me.

  10. I read through your blog. My understanding is that you've been in therapy for twenty years and you still have not healed. Some of your posts seem to say that you're past your past and the very next post will be back in the abyss. Why would any victim of abuse bother to do the necessary hard work if it apparently doesn't help even after twenty years? I think it's blogs like this one that cause suicide. There doesn't seem to be any hope.

  11. Ruth, there is always hope!! Healing is not an event. It is a process. A wonderful and worthwhile process. And yes, it is hard work. Having intense feelings and pain is not the same as losing hope. It is a part of life, even for those who have not survived child sexual abuse. You are precious. You are important. Please don't give up! You are infinately more valuable, lovable, and powerful than you realize. It is NOT true that blogs like mine cause suicide. Child abuse, loss of hope, and depression cause suicide.