Drunk on Faith

I cried through the megillah reading this year.

My daughter who sat next to me hugged and kissed me with 

her black-lipsticked mouth, leaving a smear on my cheek.  

She was surprised that the megillah

 brought me to tears. "You're so emotional, Mom! It's gonna be okay,"

 she whispered.  She wiped my black -smeared cheek and my tears and 

blew me more kisses.

I cried in empathy with Esther, the orphan, who was given a lonely mission that

 she neither wanted nor requested.  I know what it's like to be separated

 from family after being forced into an unwanted sexual relationship. 

 I suspect that, like me, Esther would have gladly died, rather than

 be violated by King Achashverosh and then have to live separately 

because of it for the rest of her life - becoming just one of the many girls

 the king used for pleasure and discarded.  Esther spent the rest of her 

life in the king's palace, not really belonging nor wanting to be

 there, cut off from her people.

Esther made the best of her situation. In the end, when she

 understood why she had been chosen, Esther accepted her 

destiny. She rose to the occasion and saw opportunity and

 ultimately redemption in her desperate situation. 

 She chose to use her position for good.  Mordechai helped

 her see the bigger picture.

Through my tears I remind myself of the many 

Mordechai's in my life who believe in me and my mission.

Like Mordechai, they cannot fully enter my inner world, 

but like Mordechai they stay close by and remind me 

not to get lost in despair.  They know I am here in this

 strange, lonely place for a reason.

They remind me that I am on an important mission.

Like Esther, I was given this unique set of circumstances for a reason.

Like Esther, I can choose to run away from this mission and God

 will find some other way to save my family from this evil.

Like Esther, I will gather courage and find my voice and do

 the right thing.  I will let my voice be heard.  I will banish 

self-doubt by turning to God.  My faith will carry me through 

this mission.  I will find the strength to confront people of

 power, and I will arrive uninvited and speak my truth.  

I will find a way to be heard and expose evil.

I could have gone quietly into the night, lived my life,

 healed my own pain, focused on my own family and

 ignored the larger mission in the situation I was given.

I am not Esther, but I can see that in my own life, in my individual

 story, I too can make a difference.

I am confronting an evil that almost destroyed me and

 is threatening to destroy my people.

Sometimes, when I am high on faith, I truly do not know the difference

 between cursed be Haman and blessed be Mordechai.

When I am drunk on faith it's all the same. Nothing bad 

ever happened, or will happen. I have everything I need,

 and I am everything I need.  I have clarity.

When I know that everything is from God and I occupy a

 place of love, there is truly no difference between good and bad.