VERY IMPORTANT POST ! I want to hear from my readers...

I must share this comment with my readers because, in my opinion, this is the crux of the problem.  Silencing victims is what allows perpetrators of abuse to go unstopped for years, and allows innocent children to continue to be hurt:

  

"My heart aches for victims of abuse. I cry for what you say you have been through. To think that one person would be abused by so many, is scary at the very least! I do have a concern about your mental health though. I understand you are working on yourself which is amazing. I do not think, that you should be a caregiver to children though, until you get through the healing. Am I the only parent who is now worried about you? This is very scary."

This is an excellent question that must be addressed if we are to understand trauma and recovery.  If we are to understand how we are to possibly keep our children safe in a world full of survivors and perpetrators.

Protecting Our Children From Abuse

Are survivors of abuse safe with children?
How can we, as parents, know this?

I don't think the poster of this comment knows me.  I don't think s/he realizes that by going public about my past, and using my real name, (My husband is a tzadik!   He is my number one support and inspiration!) I put myself at risk of losing my parnasa, and my reputation.  I am doing this to prevent child abuse, and to encourage other survivors to speak out without shame, and to heal.

I will in some form always be dealing with recovery from trauma. This is true for all survivors of trauma. The idea of 'getting through the healing' is based on a false premise that there is a finite schedule for healing.

Child sexual abuse is a severe trauma that must be dealt with.  Like the death of a parent or sibling, like divorce, like natural disasters, or any kind of childhood trauma, the affects must be acknowledged, discussed, and felt.  The losses mourned.  Survivors of childhood trauma who go through this process emerge stronger, healthier, and more sensitive to children.  They are highly unlikely to willingly cause pain to another child.  It is survivors (of any kind of trauma) who can not acknowledge and process what happened to them who are in danger of passing the pain along to the next generation.  Both of my parents, are an example of this.  Neither of them could acknowledge to me, even privately, how badly they were hurt as children.   Yet, they both told me in their own way. In a way that denied, minimized and rationalized the hurt that they undoubtedly experienced and passed along to me. For years I held the pain for my whole family.

I asked myself more than once, If my parents and others, who outwardly seemed like healthy normal people, (some would argue this point, but the reality is there are 650 children who's parents do seem comfortable sending their children to my father's cheder ) so blindly hurt me, and so blindly deny my pain, how do I know I won't repeat the behavior that I learned at home, even inadvertently?  How do I know that I can trust myself with children?

This question was brought home to me when I was twenty five and I was caring for a little girl with Downs Syndrome. Her mother, a lawyer, had to do some pro-bono work as part of her training and was required to defend a perpetrator of child sexual abuse.
The perpetrator's defense was that he himself was abused as a child therefore he should be pitied and not punished.  This is not an acceptable defense in my opinion.

Although many abusers have themselves been abused,  most survivors of abuse do NOT grow up to be abusers. This is a very important difference.  Using child abuse as a defense for evil behavior, contributes to the re-victimization of most survivors of childhood sexual abuse, who would never dream of causing similar pain to another child.

I shared with the mother of the little girl with Downs Syndrome that I was a survivor and she expressed her concerns. Her daughter was only two years old and had communication issues. How would she know her daughter was safe if she didn't speak? She asked to speak to my therapist, who reassured her that she did not believe that I posed any danger to her daughter. The mother was just fine with this but I wasn't.  I was hurt and scared.  And I felt re victimized. Was I damaged goods?  Did I have to keep the abuse a secret because people are going to brand and judge me as a potential perpetrator because of my past?  Isn't this just what the perpetrators hopes will happen?  What if they are right and I shouldn't be trusted with children?   I quite the job, and stopped working in chinuch for a couple of years as I explored the answer to this question in therapy.

The irony of this story is that the caregiver who was hired to replace me was a friend of mine who was also a survivor, but kept it a secret...The mother never knew.  What we don't know may not hurt us...
But then again, it may.

I believed then and still believe today that a parent should not leave their child with a caregiver whose safety they doubt.

Statistically one out of every four girls is sexually abused before the age of eighteen, usually by someone her parents know and trust. Math has never been my strong subject, but that would seem to mean that in my class of twenty five Bais Yaakov girls, about six of us are survivors of child sexual abuse. My guess is that I'm the only one who talks about it openly. Considering the number of Bais Yaakov girls who go into chinuch, it's likely that my survivor classmates have been, or are currently teachers of children. Think about this:  Out of every four female teachers (and every five male) your child has, one is likely a survivor of child sexual abuse...You just don't know it.  They are probably more sensitive to children than most. My point is that child sexual abuse is very common.  Way too common. 

Most of us are not privy to our children's teachers' past traumas. Parents need to trust their gut. If you have doubts about the basic safety of your child's caregiver, seek a caregiver you feel confident with.  Don't doubt yourself!

Anyone in child care, in chinuch, is in a position of power over our children. This is an incredible responsibility. Parents and children in my gan know that there is one basic rule. My Gan is a safe place for bodies and feelings. Period. If this rule is broken we have a problem whose solution must be satisfactory for all involved. The children in my Gan have the same emotional rights as adults. The right to be listened to and heard. The right to be treated with respect. The right to make choices, take risks, make mistakes. The right to decide about their own body. The children in my Gan learn very quickly that no one, including me, or anyone else in their life, even and especially people who love them and care for them, is allowed to touch them in a way that scares them or makes them uncomfortable. If this ever happens we talk about it. A lot. We process it and discuss it. 

A child came in crying that he went to the doctor and got a shot. He was angry. Why was it OK for the doctor to hurt and scare them when he was taught that no one is allowed to ever hurt and scare him? Why would their parents allow this? We talked about how this one situation might be an exception, and why it is different. We validated the anger and the hurt. It is not a secret.

There are so many opportunities to educate our children about personal boundaries.   In my Gan it is an important part of the curriculum as I believe it should be in every Gan, school, and home.

“He hit me!”

I don't let anyone hit you. It's your body. No one is allowed to treat you that way. Can you tell him by yourself, or should we tell him together?"

“She's tickling me and I said no!”

"Listen to her words. She doesn't like that tickling game. It's not fun for her. A good game is fun for both people"

“She's grabbing my toy!”

"Tell her to stop.  Let's remind her to ask you for the toy and then wait and see what you say."

If a child is crying and pushes away a hug from ME I say:
 
 "You don't want a hug right now? It's OK. (It's your body and you decide.) Is their another way I can help you feel better?"

This is how we educate our children from day one about personal boundaries. By modeling that respect. By treating them like people with real feelings and ideas and rights, not just dependent, needy beings who we have to control and keep in line. Our children's neshamas are sensitive to every nuance, to everything we say and do with them. We do not own them. They are not pets to be “taught and trained.” I have seen children treated this way in so many Ganim and so many schools.   I believe that by changing this currently accepted culture to unacceptable, we can prevent a lot of child abuse.

I will say this about myself, my Gan, and any other educator and educational institution. If you doubt your child's safety it is not the right environment for your child. Trust yourself as a parent. Don't think, "So many people trust her, it must be OK. I have concerns about her but it must be me.  It's my problem."

This is absolutely wrong!

You are the parent and it is your responsibility to keep your child as safe as possible.  To do this important job you must trust yourself and your child.  My Gan tends to attract parents who trust and respect themselves and their children. 

The following true story illustrates how important it is not only to listen, but to really hear our children.  Not to react with panic and fear when they share something upsetting with us but to try to understand, and help them understand, the message.

 A number of years ago a parent approached me flustered and upset. Her son came home and told her that one of my teachers hit him. Her son did not understand Hebrew well and did not feel totally comfortable with this exclusively Hebrew speaking staff member. The mother was concerned that the teacher had lost patience because her five year old because he didn't understand her. The mother told me she knows how important child safety is to me. She knows I trust my teachers and wouldn't hire someone who would hit a child. So, her son is probably is mistaken, right?

I said, "Absolutely not.  Children say things for a reason.  Did you ask your son for more details about what happened?"
"No.  I wasn't sure how to talk to him about it."
 I sat the little boy down and we had the following important conversation:

“I heard this teacher hit you yesterday.”

“Yes, she did.”

“Can you show me where?”

“Yes. Here on my leg.”

Can you tell me what she hit you with? Was it her hand?

“No. it was the slide.”

“She hit you with the slide?”

“Yes. I was being wild on the slide on top of Moishe, and she pulled me off and the slide and it hit me right here on my leg.”

“Oh, that must have hurt!”

“It did. I told my mommy what happened.”

“Good for you!  You knew just what to do! Telling your mommy was so smart!

Should we ask her this teacher to be more careful with your body?”

“Yes. You tell her.”

“OK, I will...”

Pause.

“You know, I was wondering... I think the teacher might have been worried that Moishe couldn't breathe under you. Next time this teacher's worried about safety can you listen to her words so she doesn't feel like she needs to pull you up?

“OK.”

Did you understand what she was telling you?

“yeah, but it was so fun, I just didn't want to get up!”

Our children are brilliant but they have less experience then we do and they need our guidance. We can not always take everything a young child says literally. But we must listen very carefully to them to find out their truth...If our children know they will be listened to, heard, and understood, they are more likely tell us when something is wrong. Our tefillot and our relationship with our children are our only hope.